Why Am I Here?

I never thought I would be here writing, specially about me and the stuff that I'v been hiding in the closet for so many years. I'm not a writer ! I always thought. But those same things that I've  tried to suppress for 37 years, are exactly the ones that are propelling me to start writing about them. I think they want to be seen and  heard ... finally. 

I know I came here to this life time to work on Self Love. I Know this because not loving myself was just not a part of my life ( that's what it seemed like ) . I've picked the prefect family, relationships, and friends to do this work with. 

I've struggled with accepting myself most of my lifetime.  I grew up with so much judgment of me that in order to like me I had to indulge in alcohol and drugs. My teens are a blur that I can't hardly remember. Drinking was my favorite way of being someone else. That was the goal every weekend, to escape the pain and sadness of not liking who I was, and everyone seemed to like me when I did. 

But the shame that came that day after was unbearable. That deep hole in your gut, the guilt about what you did was almost too much to take for the little fun you had the day before. 

One day I went out and didn't get drunk. Everyone kept asking me what was  wrong with me. Why was I so quiet? Why so serious ? are you ok? 
Only at that moment did I realize that I didn't even know who I was. Was I the crazy girl  dancing the tables ? Or was I the quiet one ? Truth is, I had no idea. 

It's taking a lot of honest talks with myself, a lot of questioning, and a lot of tears to give up on who I thought I was. I've done a lot of work to identify where all of this lack of love was coming from.  I'd been holding on so deeply to an identity I felt someone was dying when this shift was happening. Indeed it was death. The death of a role that no longer filled me. 

That girl that looked for ways to be liked was dying, and a new relationship with the one that had always been there repressed was being born. 

It was hard to accept this new person, I didn't know her. How do I even approach her? It still takes long conversations, and constant asking of what she likes and wants in order for this relationship to keep working. 

I know in my heart that this is the most important relationship of my life. It is through this that I can relate to others in a healthy loving  way. 

It's an everyday, hour, minute job. A constant conversation, a work that never ends, but the most beautiful journey I've placed my self in. It's coming home to me. knowing that there is nothing outside of me that anyone can give me. It's all in me, and from this space I can share this love instead of needing it from someone else. 

If I can't love myself, I can't love anyone.

Loving me deeply ❤